An Insightful Week...

Many of you know that I have been struggling with the idea of calling myself a writer.  My hands still sweat as I type that statement.  But this week I have had  to confront this issue head-on.... and this morning I feel as though I have direction.  Indulge me as I record the events of the past few days so that in the future when I have doubts about this decision, I can look back and review.

• On Monday evening a dear friend, who has a vested interest in my teaching career, admitted that she feels I am being called to write and I need to pursue that calling.
• On Tuesday morning I read in Galations 6:1 (The Message translation) - LIVE CREATIVELY, FRIENDS ... and I was dumbstruck!  It never occurred to me that living creatively was scriptural.  It sounded too whimsical .... not serious enough.  Could it be that my recent desire to focus on a bit of fun and color and childish dreams was exactly what I needed to do?
• On Tuesday afternoon I visited with a counselor who is trying to help me sort through a few of life's recent changes.  After a lengthy conversation, he spent the final fifteen minutes convincing me that I need to write... and in fact, that I need to call myself a writer.  But what would I write?  What would people think?  What if I am never published?  Wouldn't that be a waste of time... a waste of life?  So many fears to work through... which is exactly where he said I needed to start writing.
• On Wednesday morning I followed his suggestion (because after all, I am a good student and try to complete all assignments).  I journaled a lot ... about 2,500 words.  But ultimately, I discovered that I have two basic fears:  #1 --- I do not trust that God loves me enough to have me "succeed" doing something that I love.... and #2 --- I fear rejection:  rejection of what others might think while I pursue this little hobby... and (if it gets to this point) rejection of my work by other writers or publishers.  In other words, that I will be discovered to be a fraud.
• This morning I was once again pondering (perhaps obsessing...) this idea of Molly the writer... when I realized that too many confirmations have presented themselves for me to ignore:
• I have had no less than five validations that I should pursue this vocation ... and not all of them from faithful friends who would encourage me no matter what (but I so appreciate their support and kindness!!)  
• Scripture reveals that I am not only to live creatively ... but also to follow my heart's desire (Psalm 37:4 - Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart)
• The realization that it would be in keeping with the Lord's character to use my passion to help me face my biggest fears - and to learn full dependence upon Him
• The A-ha moment when I became aware that my calendar has already been cleared to transition into this part-time career.  This academic year I will only teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays which leaves three weekdays free to write.  The Lord knew all along.

And so I have come to realize that if I say "no" to writing, I am living in disobedience to His will for life right now.

I do not know what I am going to write... but I am going to learn to trust Him to inspire me.

I do not know if what I write will be of interest to others... but I will trust His timing.

I do not even know the end-goal... but I will rest in knowing that He will guide me one step at a time.  And for now... I just need to take that first step.

So... today is my first day of orientation.  I need to create some organization systems and I need to brainstorm some possible projects.  I leave for Iowa City tomorrow to take my second writing course for the summer, Spiritual Journaling, and when I return early next week, I will begin my new job.

The jitters are there.... but so is the excitement of a novel adventure (yes... pun intended... sorry!).