Thursday, July 11, 2013

An Insightful Week...

Many of you know that I have been struggling with the idea of calling myself a writer.  My hands still sweat as I type that statement.  But this week I have had  to confront this issue head-on.... and this morning I feel as though I have direction.  Indulge me as I record the events of the past few days so that in the future when I have doubts about this decision, I can look back and review.
  • On Monday evening a dear friend, who has a vested interest in my teaching career, admitted that she feels I am being called to write and I need to pursue that calling.
  • On Tuesday morning I read in Galations 6:1 (The Message translation) - LIVE CREATIVELY, FRIENDS ... and I was dumbstruck!  It never occurred to me that living creatively was scriptural.  It sounded too whimsical .... not serious enough.  Could it be that my recent desire to focus on a bit of fun and color and childish dreams was exactly what I needed to do?
  • On Tuesday afternoon I visited with a counselor who is trying to help me sort through a few of life's recent changes.  After a lengthy conversation, he spent the final fifteen minutes convincing me that I need to write... and in fact, that I need to call myself a writer.  But what would I write?  What would people think?  What if I am never published?  Wouldn't that be a waste of time... a waste of life?  So many fears to work through... which is exactly where he said I needed to start writing.
  • On Wednesday morning I followed his suggestion (because after all, I am a good student and try to complete all assignments).  I journaled a lot ... about 2,500 words.  But ultimately, I discovered that I have two basic fears:  #1 --- I do not trust that God loves me enough to have me "succeed" doing something that I love.... and #2 --- I fear rejection:  rejection of what others might think while I pursue this little hobby... and (if it gets to this point) rejection of my work by other writers or publishers.  In other words, that I will be discovered to be a fraud.
  • This morning I was once again pondering (perhaps obsessing...) this idea of Molly the writer... when I realized that too many confirmations have presented themselves for me to ignore:
    • I have had no less than five validations that I should pursue this vocation ... and not all of them from faithful friends who would encourage me no matter what (but I so appreciate their support and kindness!!)  
    • Scripture reveals that I am not only to live creatively ... but also to follow my heart's desire (Psalm 37:4 - Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart)
    • The realization that it would be in keeping with the Lord's character to use my passion to help me face my biggest fears - and to learn full dependence upon Him
    • The A-ha moment when I became aware that my calendar has already been cleared to transition into this part-time career.  This academic year I will only teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays which leaves three weekdays free to write.  The Lord knew all along.
And so I have come to realize that if I say "no" to writing, I am living in disobedience to His will for life right now.

I do not know what I am going to write... but I am going to learn to trust Him to inspire me.

I do not know if what I write will be of interest to others... but I will trust His timing.

I do not even know the end-goal... but I will rest in knowing that He will guide me one step at a time.  And for now... I just need to take that first step.

So... today is my first day of orientation.  I need to create some organization systems and I need to brainstorm some possible projects.  I leave for Iowa City tomorrow to take my second writing course for the summer, Spiritual Journaling, and when I return early next week, I will begin my new job.

The jitters are there.... but so is the excitement of a novel adventure (yes... pun intended... sorry!).

2 comments:

  1. Molly, what synchronicity in your life so that when the time came for this writing course, you are ready and open for seeing what you have inside you to say! How awesome that everything is saying YES to you, too. HOld onto this, frame this page, so when the doubtful moments surface, you can remind yourself that it is real, all of it. I hope you have a wonderful and deep learning journey ahead you on your writing course.

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  2. You might look for signs and reassurances from the outside, but ultimately the desire, and the permission to write needs to come from within.

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